Every time I watch it, it makes me laugh so much. She sings about  the ‘joys’ of childbirth, in a way that is true yet is funny. You may have seen it before, but you never tire of watching a classic again!

Childbirth Song lyrics

You’ve bags under your eyes
You’ve got boobs to your knees
Your hand’s full of poo and your bra’s full of cheese
Your stomach is bloated your clothes do not fit
He still wants sex while you feel like shit
He begs for this favour not long after labour
It’s like eating a meal after you’ve just been sick

And the boys at the office tell him I should give him what he wants
To this I say that they’re a bunch of lalalalalalala

You bastard you cocked up it’s you got me knocked up
Just cos you want me to have bigger tits
You’re pleading, you’re pining
Oh please stop your whining
You’re not getting sex ’til the kid’s 26

You say you want another child, another pregnancy
When you can poo a watermelon I’ll agree

I could have been someone if you just hadn’t come (along)
If I hadn’t been so drunk and I’d said maybe
We’d be going out and stuff, now there’s foreceps up my chuff
Pulling the head of a screaming 10lb baby

And the mums on Hornby Island* say keep breast feeding ’til they’re four
If I do I won’t have nipples anymore

And all the doctors told me that I’d need a stitch or ten
I say sew me up so I can’t do this again.

*an island nearby with a reputation for being very wholesome!

It’s a parody written by Helen Austin and performed at Voices Three 2007, a concert that raised $3000 for the Hospice

I woke up at 6 in the morning 9 days after baby was due, with an achy period pain. I can’t really describe where the pain was, it was kind of between the top of my legs and bottom of my belly. After a minute or so it went. Half an hour later it returned. The same pattern carried on, I just thought I was achy. My partner said “You are in labour” I was sure I wasn’t. But he was right. The pain got slowly worse, and felt like my insides were tightening and loosening. You could tell when it was going to happen. It built up.

My waters hadn’t broken. So I thought I had ages to go. We started timing my contractions and they were 15  minutes apart. Very quickly they were 5 minutes though! It was 4 pm, I remember that well enough. My partner panicked a bit , it all seemed to be happening quickly now, he rang the hospital to see what we should do. The midwives told us to come down to the hospital.

My contractions were more intense, but still managable. I guess I was lucky.  They were getting quite painful now, and I really wanted to be in hospital. They were still a tightening and loosening feeling around my belly. As the tightening got more intense the pain did too.

The journey to hospital was horrible. Every bump in the road jolted me and hurt. I suppose the baby was very low down in my pelvis. They told us when we got to hospital I was 5 centimeters dilated and should have the baby very soon. They weren’t quite right. Baby wanted to stay put for a while. It wasn’t until lunchtime the next day that baby finally was born.

The contractions got very intense and were very tiring. I had gas and air which helped a lot. Around 11 am the next day, the contractions began to feel different. I wanted to push. I had no idea what I meant by that. I just had an urge to push. The midwives checked, yes I was fully dilated and ready!

The pain of the contractions was quite bad now, but I knew it would be over soon.

If you and your partner need some ideas on birth and labour support have a look at the following: 

Association for the Improvement in Maternity Services (AIMS)

At the forefront of the childbirth movement for more than forty years.

• Working towards normal birth
• Providing independent support and information about maternity choices
• Raising awareness of current research on childbirth and related issues

Doula UK

• “Doula” (pronounced “doola”) is a Greek word meaning “woman servant or caregiver”. It now refers to an experienced woman who offers emotional and practical support to a woman (or couple) before, during and after childbirth.
• A doula believes in “mothering the mother” – enabling a woman to have the most satisfying and empowered time that she can during pregnancy, birth and the early days as a new mum. This type of support also helps the whole family to relax and enjoy the experience.

Home Birth Reference Site

• This site is not to persuade you to choose home birth. It’s not for everybody, but perhaps it’s right for your family. It provides information and opinions about home birth, for parents who think that it might be the right choice for them, and for health professionals looking for resources.

Association of Radical Midwives

• ARM are midwives, student midwives and others in the UK committed to improving the maternity care provided by the NHS. They strongly believe that all women have the right to a service tailored more closely to their needs, and a sympathetic attitude on the part of their professional attendants. They are primarily a support group for people having difficulty in getting or giving good, sympathetic, personalised midwifery care. A few of us are working independently outside the NHS, in order to offer a more woman-centred, one-to-one, style of practice, which at present is not widely available within NHS maternity services.

The National Childbirth Trust

• The NCT  helps over a million mums and dads each year through pregnancy, birth and early days of parenthood. They offer antenatal and postnatal courses, local support and reliable information to help all parents.

Other related articles

Do Dad’s need to pack a bag for hospital too?
Giving birth – what do I need to pack for hospital – A checklist

This article covers things for you in labour, for you and baby in the hospital, for your partner, and things you need for the journey home.

Think of items you will want before your baby is born and things for afterwards.

When in labour you will want to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible.

For you in labour:

• Something to wear. Nightgown or comfortable shirt in which to give birth
• Music. Some people like their favourite music to listen to during labour. I thought this would be a good idea, but just found it annoying. To take music is no bad thing though; you can’t listen to it if you have left it at home.
• Extra pillows to keep you comfortable during labour. This might sound strange, but the hospital I went to, (great though it was) didn’t have a spare pillow which I really wanted, so I ended up using a rolled up towel to pop behind my back.
• Your favourite magazines or books. This really is the same as music, not appropriate for me, but it will be for some women.
• Lip balm. This was really essential for me as I was using gas and air as pain relief, and this makes your mouth and lips really dry and uncomfortable. Lip balm really helped.
• Comfy socks. Sounds silly, but my feet got really cold!
• Food and drink. Food is usually not appropriate in later stages of labour. You don’t feel like eating for a start even if your labour is a long one, and 2ndly it doesn’t mix well with some of the pain relieving drugs. Water is the best drink, the hospital will provide you with water, but it won’t hurt to have a couple of bottles of water in your bag.

For Dad or your birth partner:

• A stash of food and drink. Mars bars, cans of cola are good – lots of energy.
• Phone numbers and contact information. Write a list of everyone you will want to call, or programme their numbers into your mobile
• Mobile phone or a phone card. Remember to keep your mobile charged up, and credit on it
• Money, for the hospital shop to buy all those things you have forgotten or run out of
• Camera. You will want to capture that 1st photo of your newborn. Make sure it is charged up, or you have spare batteries, there is plenty of space on it to take lots of pictures, and if it is new – test it out 1st !

For Mummy and Baby in the hospital

For Mummy

• Dressing gown, nighties/pyjamas. If you are going to breastfeed, don’t forget you will need clothes that open at the front
• Towels
• Slippers and socks
• Underwear. Choose big comfy knickers, you might be feeling a bit tender, and you will need knickers that maternity towels fit comfortably into
• Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, body lotions, whatever you normally use
• Contact lens equipment if you use them
• Cosmetics, ie makeup, hair brushes, and hair products
• Maternity towels, you can buy special maternity towels, they are like night-time sanitary towels
• Nursing bra, if you are planning on breatfeeding
  

For Baby

• Plenty of nappies. I would buy newborn size, if your baby is smaller, you can send a friend or relative to buy you smaller ones.
• Vests and sleepsuits to wear in the hospital. Again, I would buy newborn size, if your baby is smaller, you can send a friend or relative to buy you smaller ones.
• Outfit to wear home: this can just be a sleepsuit with a cardigan and a hat

For going home

Going home bag

You can have this ready packed and get your partner or friend to bring it in with them when you are ready to go home. Pack into it some loose, comfy clothes for you.

• A baby seat for the car. Most hospitals will not let you go home by car unless you have a properly fitted car seat.
• See our articles on car seats
• Blanket. To put on baby for the journey

Your hospital will tell you what they provide and what they don’t. Also they will advise how long you are likely to stay in hospital for a normal 1st birth, or normal caesarean birth.

Other related articles:

Giving birth – Where, who with and how
Giving birth – Do Dad’s need to pack a beg for hospital too?

The answer is yes. Your partner’s labour might be long, and you need to encourage and support her for the whole time. You need to keep your energy up, and your wits about you. Who do you call when it is all over?

Things for dad to pack:

A stash of food and drink
Mars bars, cereal bars, and cans of cola are good – lots of energy.

Phone numbers and contact information
Write a list of everyone you will want to call, or programme their numbers into your mobile

Mobile phone or a phone card
Remember to keep your mobile charged up, and credit on it

Money
For the hospital shop to buy all those things you have forgotten or run out of

Tissues
For mum, or for you in case you blub when the baby is born!

Change of clothes
You will want to look good on the pics, not look like you have veen wearing the same clothes all night

Camera
You will want to capture that 1^st photo of your newborn

Make sure it is charged up, or you have spare batteries, there is plenty of space on it to take lots of pictures, and if it is new – test it out 1^st !

Of course when the event really happens, you could be so full of hurry and anxiety that you forget your bag totally – let a trusted friend have a key to your house and send them for your supplies!

Other related articles

Giving birth- where, who with and how
Giving birth – what should I pack for hospital? – A checklist